Tumbrella

Guest post: by Tintin

Now don’t get me wrong, Oz is utterly brilliant. I’ve been living and travelling here since 2003 and for lots and lots of reasons it’s one of the best countries in the world to visit as a tourist/traveller/backpacker or whatever you want to call yourself (that’s another debate in itself…). BUT. A handful of popular places are truly overrated. Here’s my top five:

1. Cairns
Yes, the Great Barrier Reef, Atherton Tablelands, the rainforests to the north and even under-rated Mission Beach to the south are all well worth exploring. But the town itself is the worst of the backpacking scene. The orange-skinned locals can be shockingly glib, obsessed with bussing tourists in, taking all their money, getting them pissed on cheap jugs, get them to flash their jugs in wet t-shirts competitions, sleeping with them and shipping them out again as the next lot arrive. The fake smiles, the forced hedonism, the way visitors are so taken for granted. Even some hostels treat you like a pariah if you don’t join in their arranged activities and book on their favoured (ie. commission-earning) tours. If ever there was a town without a soul, this is it.

2. The Whitsundays/Airlie Beach
Of course the islands themselves are truly, spectacularly, beautifully, beautiful, proper living in a postcard stuff and you’d be a wally not to visit them. But Airlie Beach itself is like a mini-Cairns. Ferry travellers from bar to boat to bar, keep them spending, give them cheap piss and they’ll keep spending/won’t notice their bed is infested with bed bugs and the broken promises of dodgy tour operators. Do your research well and you could have the time of your life here. Don’t do any and you’ll regret it.

3. Perth
The WA capital sounds a little bit exciting because it’s so far from everywhere else. But when you get there it’s just not worth the effort – it feel like the other major cities pushed it far away for a reason. Locals say it’s like Sydney 20 years ago. I say it’s like Sydney without all the good bits. The streets are too empty, there’s no real diversity and nothing going on. It’s too clean and too safe – there’s no edge. There’s nothing really offensive or unpleasant about Perth, it’s just a boring ghost town.

4. The Great Ocean Road
Don’t be fooled by the name. It is a road, by an ocean, but it’s not great. Yes, the Twelve Apostles are an inspiring sight at sunset (even if there are only seven). But as far as roadtrips go, it’s everything you don’t want. The route is always busy, crammed with tour buses that are crammed with old ladies, pulling off onto lookout spots every few minutes. There’s no sense of adventure, you’re certainly not getting away from it all and you have to stop and leave your vehicle for all the good bits anyway – then queue up to take a photo. It’s a carousel of camera-totting pensioners. Go see the Apostles by all means, but don’t waste too much time on the rest of it. For a proper roadtrip, go somewhere like the Nullarbor Plain, or cut up the middle of Oz.

5. Sydney
Okay, so it’s got a fancy harbour, some fair-to-middling beaches and a good climate, but I’ve never been to a city so vain, so completely in love with itself, so effing rude. Step back from the polluted harbour and the CBD is bland, ugly, dark (even on sunny days) and the streets stink of urine. Plastic fantastic Bondi is full of Paris Hilton and Callum Best wannabes – it makes Los Angeles look timid and self-effacing. Sydney is easily the least friendly place in Australia; get off a plane from wonderfully friendly Tasmania or Darwin there and you’re in for a shock. There’s nothing uniquely Australian about it either – the city has a surprisingly American feel. And don’t get me started on the price of things…
Sydney is fit. But, my gosh, doesn’t she just know it.